its coming close to 1230 now.
as i sit down staring at my comp.
flipping thru de pages of my notes.
barely started on studying. not intending to either?

where's the motivation, i wonder.
what happened, that i wonder too.

it seems as if, everything, in my whole 3 yrs of poly,
wud ultimately get screwed, if i dont pull myself together.
its the last mile, the final race, i get it.
but yet, there's just this part of me, not wanting to do what others expect of me.

it took me that long of a time,
to realise, that irregardless of how much tears i shed, evrything remains.
its funny how i would cry, and thought that i came out stronger,
only to fall and hit myself harder.
its also amazing at how i told others not to come running at me for help,
and yet i myself do the same.

ahh, i wonder. prolly out of 365 days.
300 days wud be just like this.
and the other 65 would be. oh wells, a tinge different than this.

im a human being too.
fact is, im flawed in many ways.
in too many ways that is.
im unable to come out from this depressing world of my own,
unable to grasp of the facts, and truths staring right in front of my face,
unable to realize my own faults before i point out to others.
and there are times i wonder, am i really caring?
or am i just being nosy?
to a point at which, helping others, is consuming me,
should i put a stop to all of it?
when i cant handle whats bothering me, do i tell or do i shut it?
do i keep up with the pretenses or am i just actin according to circumstances?
am i really strong, or am i just pretending yet again?

as much as i wanna snap out of it,
i cant. but im trying.

hanging on.